This Isnt Paradise [entries|friends|calendar] Lex [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(suck my dick) [16 Oct 2004|10:07pm] i got a new journal. www.livejournal.com/users/scarsrtracks yeuh

(2 swallowed | suck my dick) [15 Oct 2004|10:52pm] There are times in your life where you get so confused. One day you're glowing with happiness and thinking to yourself, trying to remember when it was you last felt like this. The next day, you're laying in your bed crying yourself to sleep, and in the morning when your alarm goes off you hit the snooze button more than once. You know they always say that times heals wounds, and sooner or later maybe enough time will pass by. You still want what everyone wants. You want happiness, completion. You want something to be thankful for, a reason to wake up, a will to make it through. You know it exists, because you've had it once before. But like all good things, it ended. Although you know one day you're going to find it again, it doesnt change the fact that you need it now. You have someone in your life that comes over and makes time stop for a few seconds. And there are certain things that he does that make your heart skip a beat....but it isnt right. You dont love this boy, he does not love you. You're just now starting to question if you even care about eachother in the way you've been fooled into thinking was true. I guess it's time to come back into reality and face the truth. To face the world you never wanted to be a part of in the first place. You're alone? Join the club ( ... )

(4 swallowed | suck my dick) [14 Oct 2004|10:06pm] Brandon is so beautiful. And he always made me happy when we spoke. but he went away for awhile. and we didnt speak. but, now he is back. and we are talking. and i am happy. aw. he is also only an hour and a half away

(3 swallowed | suck my dick) [14 Oct 2004|08:24pm] I sort of forgot about this thing for a few days, but nothing had really changed. I do not think about Nick anymore, a matter a fact I dont think I am going to attend his play anymore. Matt and I are still whatever you want to call it. Maybe if I went out more I would be able to find someone who could blow me away without breaking me apart. But we hardly ever get what we wish for.

(7 swallowed | suck my dick) [11 Oct 2004|12:24am] God, I hate the way he holds me really close. It makes me believe he cares.

(suck my dick) [10 Oct 2004|05:14pm] I guess the whole Matt not comming over thing got shot. Around 12:30 am I hear a little knock and it was him. His mom came home drunk as always. They all starting fighting and she told him to get the fuck out. So he always comes here....always. Nothing happened. We talked like we always do but nothing more. He slept til like 2, but I was up early. I really have no idea what my emotions for him are. BUT, he did however bring me a snake. Of course my mom is freaking and told me to get rid of it. But it's so cute :(

(suck my dick) [09 Oct 2004|10:41pm] Whoa, I have so just figured everything that I was ever confused about. I miss Nick. I want Nick. Nick was a good time before I found out his other girl. Or his main girl. See, I feel for him hard, just as I fell for Mason hard. And the problem with that was, I loved Mason, which i think compelled me more to love Nick. Which ended up not happening because of obvious reasons. HOWEVER, I know that I could have loved Nick if in fact he had not fucked up. This my people...this is the reason I still think about him often. And I am okay with that, because I know that everything has an end and sooner or later it is going to have to end. So everything is dandy in that department. I dont love Matt. I never did. I've learned that I somewhat...settle for people. Matt was the first person that I dated in DePue since Junior. I got to see him way more often then I got to see any of my past boyfriends, which made it easier to get attached more. And Matt made me glow like no other and makes me still happy even if I'm mad at him. And indeed he made me question love, as you all can read. But I will never be able to get over the impression that he is still and always will be in love with Sara, despite the fact that I look at him and sara as I look at mason and i. we are nothing yet i still think about him and would let him back into my life in a heartbeat. I care about Matt, and I still do have feelings for him, and chances are I may for awhile. He hasnt came by lately which is probably for the best. I need him as a friend but I want so badly to have more in my life, therefore...i take him. I know it isnt fair...atleast, that is what you may assume....but Matt doesnt feel what I do for him. And the fact that that doesnt bother me and the fact on many times I've doubted whether or not I love him...makes me certain that he is just a boy that touched my heart. Nothing more. Nothing less. I smoke because it makes me happy. LIE. it doesnt make me happy, it makes me sick. So I do it because it makes me look cool. LIE. it makes me look stupid. I do it because I can. True somewhat. I smoke because it's my thing. At times it calms me down and at times it just gives me something to do. Chances are it's going to get me really sick, but so will alot of things. Kay? and yeah, I'm aware that isnt EVERYTHING, but I'm doing myself, and you a favor of not typing anymore.

(6 swallowed | suck my dick) [09 Oct 2004|07:45pm] Sunday turned into Saturday and we bought the computer today. It's pretty nifty, seems to be running well so far. And although it has only been a few days since I last wrote, .... hm, well, i guess things have changed. I realized that there is always one person that I want to run back to no matter what, and I'm always going to want to run back to this boy because he was the one that marked it all. However, I never take action in running back because my legs wouldnt be able to travel that far. And that is that. The person I was refering to about wanting only because they are someone elses was Nick. As I said, I fell hard for the kid for no aparent reason, but now, more and more each day, I am realizing what a complete waist of time every second was spent on him. I suppose he's still a good guy, but that was someone I really needed to get the hell over. As for Matt. I really cant understand anything with him. Do I love him? Am I just being a girl? Blah Blah Blah. It really is retarded. I like spending time with him and being around him still makes me happy. I just dont want to have to become dependent on him to make me happy or whatever. Yeuh. Lex is back

(4 swallowed | suck my dick) [07 Oct 2004|09:36am] God, it really sucks when you miss someone who you know you cant have. And it's pretty lame that the only reason you want someone so bad is only because they are someone elses and you can not have them. It's rather upsetting..... =/ We have a 4 day weekend. I guess my mom moved getting the computer til Sunday. Matt is comming down again tomorrow. I still enjoy being with him and all that good stuff, I just need to move on from everyone right now. I keep thinking about Nick and I notice that I'm doing it alot. It's making no sense at all as why either and I'm just feeling stupid about it. Matt and I are good yet it now hurts me when he holds my hand or listens to my heart but the reason it hurts is unknown and I dont get why. I miss hanging out with Brad even though we dont really hang out that much. I miss hanging out with Bianca because she's always with Jayse now, which is cool because I know he wont be around forever. My mom is constantly pissing me off. I really really miss talking to Parker about all the stupid and crappy shit that is going on with our lives. I love Dave and I fucking cant stand not being able to talk to him. I have spoken to Cassie for a whole total of like 2 minutes. AH. i dislike this

(1 swallowed | suck my dick) [04 Oct 2004|11:46am] My mom said that we’re going to get a new computer this weekend. Matt and I are actually good again for real. Then again things can never be the same. I really have nothing to say. Life is…calm That’s good enough I guess

(suck my dick) [30 Sep 2004|09:43am] I want him in my life, but I do not need him to survive. I do love him, but this isn't the type of love that is tearing me apart. I finally grew balls and talked to him. We worked everything out, and I told him how I felt. I'm not sure exactly what to do with this though. My life at the moment is pretty messed up and way confusing. Then again I don’t believe I can think of a time when it wasn’t. I don’t know how long he is staying in DePue. … I think he's debating about moving back. So that's..erm…idk. I think I wish I could go back in time to try to pin point the moment where things got to…fucked up. …. Not just with Matt but with everyone I've ever known. I know where it went bad with Nick, and at times I do wish that never happened,. Am I talking about finding out he had a gf? Or the entire thing we had? .. Yeah, sometimes I wonder too. But I usually don’t make it a habit to regret things… ever. Meh. I need to do school work now. I really need my computer back

(2 swallowed | suck my dick) [28 Sep 2004|11:47am] And I’m writing again because I can and because I get to use the schools computer a lot. …. So…. I wrote Matt that note, and he wrote back. And now I have to track him down and talk to him in person. And I was doing a lot of thinking last night and I realized that I was falling in love with Nick when I was already in love with Matt, which I am not too sure if that was all that possible. Hm. But yeah, him and I are in a bad moment and I don’t know if we’re going to be able to get out of this or if I’ve lost him again and only this time for good. I told you love fucks every thing up. And I am going to write letters to people that leave their address on my journal comments and such. So if you want a lex letter leave an address…. I u have enough balls. IGHT. Man I really feel like crap

(5 swallowed | suck my dick) [27 Sep 2004|02:10pm] So my computer is broken and I wont be able to be on this for awhile. At the moment I am at school after hours because the teachers just love me. A lot of things have been going on. Matt and I are fighting and that’s over with. I wrote him a letter and finally told him how I felt [Cassie you should know what I mean] Saturday me and a bunch of people went to 6 flags, it was cool as hell because we didn’t have to wait three hours in a line so that worked out pretty swell. But still,, I’ve been feeling like crap over the Matt thing and just over thinking everything. The good news however, is just like I said I would, I got over the Nick thing and talking to him again and feeling weird again. That was pretty easy, mainly because matt screwed me over again. I’m really getting used to that. But yeah, I miss Cassie and June and Parker and Dave, but perhaps time away from my computer shall be a good thing? I doubt that, but we’ll see.

(1 swallowed | suck my dick) [24 Sep 2004|12:29am] i talk to him.. really talked to him. about. the whole situation. and how he felt and stuff.. it just sucks knowing certain things.. like how i was trying to fall for matt again to avoid thinking of him .. and how you only really get once chance and it doesnt matter who ruins it..it's never the same... i dont know. i still cant understand how knowing someone for as little as we did made me feel things that i havent felt since mason.. and it's weird how both of those relationships were alike.. i am glad we're talking again..and things are odd, but that's normal.. am i stupid for still feeling something for him? .. i told someone he was a mistake..but i lied. .. hm..but i hear things about him..and the way he is...and once you lost mu trust it's rather impossible to regain it.... tomorrow will be ever so fun now =/ i hate school and this is just temparary. i'm sure i'll be fine and over it soon. i'm like that now. i get over things so fast because dwelling on it for too long is just stupid and only makes your life worse. he was a good guy. he made a big mistake. and that is that. matt is going to be down tomorrow. chances are he will make me feel better and forget about alot of things. it's cool how he can do that for a few seconds. but still. i dont know about him either. tis like i lost trust in the entire male sex

(1 swallowed | suck my dick) [22 Sep 2004|11:42pm] [ mood | worried ] [ music | some something corporate song ] I talk to Dave tonight. Sometimes....well, everytime I speak with him it makes me wonder why I am still sitting here and not on a plane. But, I guess there is a reason for why I am not there. I skipped school today, I didnt feel up to spending 8 hours with a bunch of people. I wrote songs tonight, and I reread things I once wrote. I could tell who each one was about. ... Last night I wrote Nick a message and told him that I was leaving him alone, and to tell Amanda to stop talking to me and rubbing in the fact that she won and I lost. As Parker put it it's weird how much of an impact he had on your life. And it is, but ... but nothing. The first time I saw him, I was speachless. That entire day was amazing, as were the other I was with him. There were things about him that were unbelievable. And if he can find somebody [one person] that he can be with ... well, then he'd be like the perfect guy. Only shorter. ... I dont miss him, not the way others are thinking. I'm just weird over the fact that he was so...different. and now he is gone. But gone for the best. Matt is here. For the best? I dont know. Everyone says that when you're in love...you'll just know it. But you're putting up blocks on feelings then there is a great chance you wont be able to see it. I dont know if this is love, but I know how he makes me feel. And although this is going to be hard for me, I am going to ask him about Sara, and other things. And I will make sure he answers. Because I'm sick of falling for a guy who's falling for two girls at the same time. ... My dream last night : ... Matt was with some girl, I dont know who she was...but .. I beat her up. Badly. Then we were all in this room for some reason, and it was all weird and I was still hitting her. Then I said I was leaving now, and I got up. But then, I stopped and said "the only reason I did that to you...was because you're with him. And .... I love him and it pisses me off because you get him" then i started crying. And she stands up and guides me towards Matt and says that we're going to be together anyway. And I'm just saying "no no no" and then I wake up. I dont know what it is but all of my dreams are so fucking weird lately. The other day I had one that I was in a car accident and Nick found me and then everyone was at the hospital and Nick and Matt started to be friends while I am in this coma and then Nick was there when i woke up and he hugged me and then Matt walked in and blah blah. It was so fucking odd. what the shit?

(3 swallowed | suck my dick) [21 Sep 2004|11:59pm] human emotions are so confusing. i wish i was an alien

(13 swallowed | suck my dick) [20 Sep 2004|11:17pm] Matt came over tonight, which is really weird because he is in Ottawa on the weekdays, but it was nice. He left early though, about 10 minutes ago. We stood outside for awhile. It was weird. Just really weird. Now i feel all empty. this is lame. i am going to kick a girls ass tomorrow because stupid bitches piss me off.

(6 swallowed | suck my dick) [20 Sep 2004|01:13am] I got him back. I'm not going to lie, I'm not that much into him. But I do feel things. I think i always have. And I still think that he isnt completely over Sara, but I'm not completely over someone else either. But like I said, when I am with him I feel better about everything. And tonight was just, whoa. We were fighting, like wrestling for about 30 minutes non stop. He had my legs all weird and he was like "doesnt this hurt?" i was like "no, i'm very flexible" and he laughed then said something perverted. And he was sooo ticklish and kept laughing. Then when we were just laying down he hugged me really tight...twas....weird.

(suck my dick) [19 Sep 2004|08:43pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Sparta ] I need Matt in my life. I dont want to admit it because then it would make it true. I dont love him ... honestly. I once thought that I did, but for some reason that thought died. And sometimes I wish I didnt feel anything for him, sometimes I wish I met someone else so that it would erase all the things I felt for Matt. Then Nick came along and he made those feelings scatter away and hide themselves, but they never truly disappeared. I see him and it still kind of hurts to look. I kiss him, and it hurts to breathe. But when I'm near him I feel better then I feel the entire week. For and hour at best I am under the impression that I am whole and that someone actually wants to spend time with me. This whole thing was never meant to happen, I was never meant to fall for him. I knew all along his heart was with Sara, and it is always going to be. My heart is always going to belong to Mason because he is the reason that I had a heart. First loves always recieve that gift. But I'm already over the fact that Mason is gone....Matt hasnt realized that Sara isnt. He still probably thinks about her everyday. He still probably wishes that he was with her. And sometimes I wonder if he wishes I was her. Because I know that there were momenths I would pretend that it was Mason my side other than the boy it actually was. ..... from Monday to Thursday I dont see him. When he comes over Friday I pretend like it is normal and I am calm. There are moment when I am with him that little jolts of the past, little section of what we used to have would come back. ... But they never can, can they? 3 days every week I see him. Then he is gone. When the truth is... he has been gone since before I left for Texas. And I have to realize that. Okay, that was nice to get out. So I talked to Amanda again, only at the begining I didnt know it was her because she was on Nick's name. And I'm glad that she cant let him go. And I am no longer angry with him. I told Cassie the same thing. She asked why and I said it was because I'm an amazing fucking person and I could have made him so happy. But I didnt, she might though. Sometimes even assholes deserve good things. I still want to be in his life, and be friends. But I want him to want that, and I want her to be okay with it. If we ever hang out again then it is going to be hard to hold back because of the way he is, but I will. I'm not strong in some area's, but I can be. ....The whole thing with Matt, everything that I just wrote about ... the entire situation is confusing. Sometimes I just get the urge to want to ask him back out. But then I dont. I said I was happy with what we had, but I'm not. I want more, or I want nothing. Of course I've never been one to get what I want, so I'm guessing things are only going to stay the same. Yeah. I had something to write about. Yay. And when I do see Matt, which may be in an hour or more, I am going to kick him, and then make him buy me my stress taker awayers. I know that I said I quit, but I'm going to die from my lungs anyway so I really see no point.

(1 swallowed | suck my dick) [18 Sep 2004|01:01pm] [ music | Mineral - unfinished ] The two things people will never be able to understand ... is eachother, and themselves. We dont know why we do the things we do. And we dont know why others do the things they do. We dont know why certain words are spoken. We dont know why hearts get broken. We can never understand the reason we are all here. But I think we're here for eachother. Someone is keeping you alive. The person may change every month or week or year, but there is always a reason you're still here. For your mom, your dad, your brother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, dog, aunt, teacher, or the old guy that lives in the broken down apartment on 4th street. The point is, we need eachother no matter how many we wish death upon others. So, yeah. okay. So Matt asked me to go fishing with him tonight. I want to go, because well, I dont want to be alone and I havent gone fishing all year. But I'm not sure if that would be the smartest thing. Heh, I cant think of anything to write about. I havent been able to in awhile. I dont have anyone in my life worth writing an essay about trying to express how amazingly incredible they are. And does that make me sad? Why should it? The last person I thought that about .... well, it turned out to be false. And if I keep putting my trust and hope into these people that are going to screw me over then I dont really want to take the chance on doing that again. Matt already screwed me over when he dumped me in June. Yet he still comes here every weekend and I see him all the time. In the begining, it was like he was fucking me over again, and again, and again. Then something made me forget all about that, and I was good for awhile. And now, I dont know what I feel anymore. When he lays next to me and has his head on my chest I dont know what to do. When he moves up and kisses me, I dont know what to do. I think I'm making myself believe that because he already hurt me once that he cant do it again, but I know for a fact that is a lie. You can look at the boy that broke your heart a year ago and his face still hurts you. Wow, I really have no idea what I am getting at anymore. I think I'm losing my mind a little. Or a lot. ......................... I wanna order a pizza tonight.

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]